*edit* Asher passed away today. His health deteriorated to the point where they was nothing anyone could do anymore. He will be very badly missed.*/edit*
So it's been a while since I posted anything here. This is mostly because things have been hell in my life.
The past 12 months have been the worst of my life, and they're just getting worse. There have been lots of small things that have contributed, 2/3 of my main dog walking customers decided they no longer needed my services, one found a friend to take care of their dog for free, the other had his daughter move back in with him, so she's taking care of them. My health has stalled as well, I suffer from M.E. which I have gradually been getting better from over the past few years, however this year there has been no improvement at all, I think it probably has a lot to do with how much stress I'm under taking up all my energy.
Then there are the big things. My Mum suffers from depression and about midway through last year she decided she didn't want to be on her anti-depressants anymore and so came off them. She turned into a completely different person. it was horrible and very difficult to cope with, especially with the M.E.. She finally went back on them after a few months, but then at the end of the year the doctor took her off them. Why? Because apparently the only reason she was on them was because she suffered from PMS, well she's at an age now where that no longer effects her, so the doctor came to the sudden conclusion that means she no longer needs them. Cue two months later when the tablets had completely left her system and she's screaming at me, telling me she's going to take away any and all support she's been giving me over the past however many years I've been ill. It is impossible for me to cope without her help.
Things were so bad I was seriously considering suicide. In fact, I still am. I can count the number of people who would care if I died on one hand. Four. My Mum, Dad, brother and grandfather. And they'd only care because they have the misfortune of being related to me. I have no friends. Not one person I could talk to about all this crap for the past year. I've had to handle it completely alone. When things get bad I normally talk to my Mum about it, but she wasn't my Mum at this point.
Thankfully a different doctor put her back on her pills and things have sort of settled down with that now, however I still carry the scars of seeing the last person in the world I thought I could trust turn on me. Just like everyone else in my life has done.
The one good thing about this year? I was finally allowed to get a dog. This is something that I wanted for my whole life, I begged and begged my Dad to let me have one but he always said no. I think this year he realised how painfully lonely I was and that I desperatly needed a companion. I got a wonderful puppy, a Polish Lowland Sheepdog. I named him Asher. I loved him more then anything in the world. But he had trouble swallowing, eating and drinking became a problem. Right from an early age it was a problem, but it got worse as he grew older. It has been incredibly stressful having a sick puppy, dealing with it day in day out, just hoping that he's going to be able to eat something that day.
At this very moment in time Asher is at a specialist vets clinic in incentive care. He went in on Tuesday for an operation on this throat to sort out his eating problems. The op went ok but the next day he got pneumonia. This has since gotten worse. Right now the vets are doing everything they can to help him, but it is looking very bad indeed and it is very likely he is going to die. I can't believe I'm going to lose him already. He's not even a year old yet.
And so now I'm back to being completely alone. I'm going to lose the only friend I have left. And I'm wondering what the point of suffering through all this shit is. Honestly, if I didn't have my family, I don't believe I would be here right now.
I don't normally do long ranty journals, but I have nowhere else to put any of this stuff. I've tried to keep it all to myself over the past 12 months, decided not to say anything because nobody actually cares how bad things are, how horrible I feel every single day, how I wished I was brave enough to just kill myself and let this all be over. But if I keep it in any longer I'm going to explode. Either that or do something very stupid.
So... yeah. That's how my life has been recently. Lonely. Painful. Heartbreaking. I'm not sure how much longer I can go on like this.